Atlanta and Depth Perception

My Heavens!

Its been ages since I've been in the intrastate, but it sure is big. And fast. The last time I was on the hi-way the speed limit was 55 mph. I really don't think that it is necessary to drive over 45 mph in my opinion.

I've been really busy lately taking care of Janice so I haven't been able to keep in touch with y'all. She lost sight in her right eye as the result of a dart competition that got out of hand at the Iron Nickle. She can't work, drive or even do her laundry, cookin and cleanin' because she ain't got any depth perception in her eyes anymore. But I think that she is doing better now cause she is still going to the shootin' range with Wyatt. So I am sure she'll be working again soon. She's even helped me pack some boxes for our move to Flippen, GA just south of Stockbridge.

So after selling Wyatt's oldest shotgun and my dog we finally raised enough money to move and for gas money. Once we get there I will email y'all again and tell you all about the trip there. I am sure it will be quite eventful. Unfortunately Janice is going to have to help us drive because I know I won't be able to drive it alone especially since Wyatt has had his license taken away ever since he ran through Evie Lynn's front glass window on Labor Day. He did help with changing the belts, oil, tires,filters,wipers and head lights on my car. It isn't the prettiest thing on the intrastate, but it is almost paid for. I took a picture of it just as be started to pack it. Wish us luck and safe travels.




xoxoxoxoxo,

Lurlene

Tatoos and Hackers

I just have to thank the Lord. As I sit here, I just can't believe my eyes. I have logged on to the intranet. Why the last time I made an entry to this blog, Minertia had just regained all her sight and could speak again. One night 2 summers ago, Minerta wandered on over into my neighbors backyard to do some t-peeing. Well, she went and got her self a scare. Caused Evvy Lynn's pet opossom was loose and had gone mad. Just scared little Minertia to death. She lost some vision in her left eye and didn't speak for nearly 2 years. She was in a bad way. Not only did she already walk with a limp, but now she didn't see good or talk. Not until Janice's baptizin' anyway.

After the fall at the baptizin' she's been a different person. Actually, Whit and I think she gone and got above herself. Forgotton where she from is what she done. She started smokin' and listen to what she calls wrap music. I don't know what it sounds like and don't want to. Betty-Lynn, the local florist, says that it is devil music and I don't intend delve into tools of the devil. And well, when Betty-Lynn speaks, everyone in Cooter perks right up and listens, and if they know what's right, they'll just knod their head and go along with her. Cause if you get on her wrong side she'll find a way to make your life hell. Just trust me.
Anyhow, Minertia really started showin' some smarts about her. And not typical school smart neither. She's learned how to hack into my computer and destroy what is called files. I told Whit that a computer holdin' files just doesn't make any sense. I mean all my files are in an old milk crate under the bed. But I digress. She went and deleted all my files and I couldn't fix my computer for months. I didn't have time to tend to that at the time thought cause of Janice's operation. Her tatoo that said "bless the holy spirit" got infected she almost lost her right forearm. That tooks many trips to the hospital for follow ups and skin graphs. But she is fine now. She is doing so well that she just can't thank the Lord enough and won't stay away from the church. She is there every time the doors are open. And even when they ain't. Why she got caught breaking into the church on a Friday night, but Sheriff Donnelly let her go off easy because she was cryin' cause all she wanted to do was play on the synthesizer and sing to Jesus. Her obsession with Jesus is so great that she don't even pay mind to Minertia anymore. So I just gave up and gave Minertia my computer. That's when I decided to order a new computer from Dell. Dell owns the only pawn shop town and when he heard about me losing my files (which isn't true they are still in the milk crate) he said he had a great deal for me. So I traded my "Set it and Forget it" Rotisary over for this computer.

I am so glad that I can now keep in touch with all of my friends. I just promise not to talk so much next time. I have so much to still tell everyone, but it just must wait. I have to pick Janice up from her weekly bible book club. Which I must talk more about later. They only talk about the bible, but no other books. At least she ain't passed out at the 'Iron Nickle'.

Baptizin' and Fishin' Bait

The spirit is still with us. After Janice's scare from the baptizin' the other night, she decided that to really be blessed by the spirit was to have a for real baptizin' like normal. So after preacher spoke last Sunday mornin' the entire congregation of 37 people walked down to the ol' Johnson swimmin' hole. What a glorious site. We all sang the hymn 'As We Gather By the River' on the way. After preacher cut a hole in the ice, preacher and Janice got in the creek. Janice said that the spirit touched her so much she didn't feel a thing from the cold. Wyatt said is was cause she had gone numb. Either way it was real moving.

On the way back to church for a fellowship,(My sister Carlene made her infamous mayo banana dip casserole for the occasion, but real fancy with marshashino cherries). I couldn't find Wyatt and his brother Whit. But I soon found out they had decided to put the hole that paster made in the river to good use and go fishin'. Don't need to tell you we had a great fish fry that afternoon. Since everyone had a touch of the flu from the baptizin', we had lots of Carlene's dish left over to go with it.

We're all still glad that Janice had a change from the holy spirit. Unfortunately, she thought preacher had said bring the spirits to the baptizin' and brought a bottle of stag. It bursted when she fell down on the way back to church, so she didn't get drunk like last time at church when she admitted to the congregation that she had seen a figure of Jesus at the bottom of a box of maccaroni and cheese. She didn't splain that she had made 'em after a long night of drinkin' with Benny Hillgarten at the 'Iron Nickle'. Anyway, she was carryin' my neice Minertia when it happened. But that's when we knew the spirit was really with Janice, despite the lie about the figure of jesus in maccaroni. Cause when Minertia landed on her head the Lord touched her. Not the way the doctor's say she was touched, but touched by the Lord this time. Cause when she got up she started speakin' again. After her run in with a possum in Evvy Lynn Maynard's backyard back 2 summers ago she stopped talking scared her so bad. Never been the same since. Until the baptizin'. Praise the spirit.

Well, must go now. I promised Wyatt that I'd cut his hair tonight for our pictures at Sears next week.

xoxoxoxo
Lurlene

Tax Returns

I got my tax returns just the other day. What a blessing. I ran all the way to the bank. Really, I ran. My car broke down and I had to cash the check. My partime jobs at the 'Iron Nickle' and 'Velma's Bakery and Shoe Repair' paid off. I decided to put the money to good use and buy a reliable car. That and a new hair style. My cousin Ruby owner of the only beauty shop in town, The Split End, did my hair for a big discount. I got a pink rinse to hide the grey. My sister Vurlene said it almost matches her drapes, it is that pretty!

When I get paid next week, I am going to take the donut off of my car and get a real one. Vurlene let me have her portable radio to strap to the dash board so I can listen to my Patula Clark tapes. Wyatt is going to tighten the coat hanger holding the hood down so it won't fly up when I'm a driving again. On the way to the Cooter Pharmacy,Tanning and DMV the hood flew up and I couldn't see that I was headed straight for Eula Turbin's pet pot belly pig. She wasn't too upset though cause that pig just 'bout ate her out of house and home. She said that now she won't have to pay Walter Cunnings for another hog next month, she'll have plenty of hog jowl and bacon for while.

When I turn the blinker on to turn right the heater turns off and the headlights dim. Also, the gas guage doesn't work, but I just use a long yard stick to make sure I don't go empty. Well, Wyatt said Janice is on the phone for me. She probably needs a ride to the video store to take back the workout videos she's been watchin. She's on a new pot pie diet she read about in the Southeast Missouri Woman's Home Journal. She's already lost 12 pounds.

Love,

Lurlene

Cooter Real Estate

I am so proud of Janice and Whit. Now that Janice has found the Lord and Whit has forgiven her for sleepin' around with honkey tonkers they decided it was time for a new start. So they decided to buy a new home. It is so lovely and comfy. Lot of extras like a lot of free tv channels and a patio set and a fenced in yard. I am so jealous. And with that bubble everyone's been talkin' about, I am surprised at how good of a deal they got before it busted. Why, just last week the last two pads in our trailer park were sold. We had a neighborhood party to celebrate but it turned ugly. Of course Witten Whitfield and Woodard Watson got into another fight about who had the most mobile home. They both claim that they can hitch off their homes and haul 'em off faster than the other. It never ends pretty and the sheriff had to get involved. Let's just say that before it was over Peter Peterone had to call a fire truck, the pastor and the local butcher before it was over (you don't want to know, trust me). All I know is thank the good Lord that Peter had one of them new celluloid phones to call the police real quick like.

Well, Janet is lucky her home is stable, it ain't goin' anywhere I don't believe. I so envy her. Its kinda like an episode I saw once about lives of the rich and infamous. This lady had to stop touring for her country band because she had this rare condition that made her have seizures when she was around too many electric wires or gas fumes. Anyway, she ended up not being able to travel on the bus no more and had to move into her own home. 'Cept her house was much bigger than Janice's. After the purchase of the house, we went to the Iron Nickle for a drank to celebrate. We would have invited my sister, Arlene, but she's breast feedin' now so we didn't call her.

Only other good news is that the fish farm said that due to how cold it has been and all, Whit doesn't have to work tomorrow, so after church he is going to fix Janice's transmission.

xoxoxoxo,
Lurlene

Bless the Holy Spirit!

Praise Jesus. This is all I can say today, is Praise the Lord. My sister- in-law, Janice, and I went to our ‘Cabin Fever for the Lord’ mid-Winter revival last night at the Greater Holy Water of Jesus Congregational Church of Cooter. It was like manna came down from heaven in that little double wide off of Parkston Lane. (Our previous church burned down when the pastor’s wife,Helen, forgot to turn off 2 of the 8 crock pots from one of our socials). So now we have a double wide. We were sceptical at first, but when we realized that we could convert the master bathroom hot tub into a baptismal, we got really excited.

Janice’s carborator on her station wagon is out again, Wyatt will fix it next weekend, so we had to take my truck. Luckily Billy-Robert had cashed in some soda cans so we had a few dollars for gas and for the offerin’ plate. Well when we got to the church I could see the spirit get into Janice right away. Ever since she had an affair with a sinner from Kentucky she hasn’t been in touch with the Lord. Until last night anyway. She repented for leaving Whit, my husband’s brother, for that snake of a man from KY. Preacher tripped during the baptism and accidentally turned on the hot tub motor. Bubbles went everywhere. Well Janice didn’t understand what was happening and thought it was the spirit touching her in the water, then she began speakin’ in toungues until she realized we didn’t believe in that no more. Afterwards, Helen played ‘As we Gather By the River’ on her synthisizer that she got for Christmas, it was so moving. Then we all headed to the fellowship hall, well the kitchen actually, and broke bread. Well that and Sister Evelyn’s favorite casserole dish. I later learned that she took money out of the offering plate to cover the cost of the dish. She said it happened on the Lord’s turf and he was liable for the damages. Help me say a prayer for her.

Since then the Lord has been good to Janice. On our way home she won $23 with a lottery ticket she bought at Cooter Spirits and Tobacco Liquor Store.

Praise the Lord,

Lurlene

This is amazin'

I just can't believe it. I told Wyatt (my husband) that I could get my very own page on the intra net. He just didn't believe me. But here it is. I feel so diversified now. It's just fabulous. And I made my page pink. I never knew that I could pick my favorite colour (I spell colour with a u like the Europeans do , it is so sophisticated). Any way, I wish I could make it more glamorous with like diamonds. They are so glamorous.

My children, Crystal, Jake, Anastacia, Brandy, Wyatt Jr., Billy-Robert, Tammy Jo and Raymond-Ray say I give good advice on so many subjects. They say I'm really diverse and dinamic so I always like to give free advice to all my friends. And, well, since I have never met a stranger, y'all are my friends. So feel free to ask me advice, even about relations. I just love to give advice. Specially about recipes. I love to cook, even fancy dinners like rich people. But they don't cook 'em like I do cause they've got mades for that so I pretend that I am fixin' dinner for Joan Collins. Keep an eye out for my recipes. I hope to hear from ya really soon.

Love,
Lurlene